I trained to be a Malketeer
I was in the Coast Guard when I took a MBA marketing class taught by Tom Magliozzi, the co-host of NPR’s Car Talk. He was great and I loved the class. He inspired me to pursue a career in marketing. I decided to attend Duke’s Fuqua School of Business to become a marketing brand manager. I met brand managers from the leading food companies. They were smart, friendly and excited to promote their brands. The more of them I met, the less I wanted to be one of them. I didn’t like them. At the time I couldn’t understand my disconnect - how could I love marketing and dislike many marketeers?
They didn’t seem to care about what they were selling. Brand managers moved from brand to brand with the same goal of turning the ratchet - increasing revenues and profit. They cared more about their success than their customers. That wasn’t for me.
I’ve done marketing that dramatically improves the lives of customers - medical devices and business education. I’ve done well by doing well. I hope to help you.
I was so big the camera couldn’t focus.
I also didn’t take my shirt off at this beach. I said it was for sun protection. Which was partly true.
I didn’t set out to lose over 40 lbs - so I didn’t take any shirtless “BEFORE” photos. When I started doing the right things the weight loss happened. Now, if I’m wearing a shirt on the beach, it’s for sun protection.
Hello Neighbor
We’re neighbors and our other neighbor, JR, is the brand manager for LOVE soda. We find out that there is a small amount of poison in the cans of LOVE soda that he sells us. We confront him. He doesn’t apologize or even feel bad. JR tells us,
“Relax. I’m poisoning the whole town, half the country, and a good part of the world. Don’t worry it’s a small dose that makes it taste good and hooks people. Not everyone dies from it. No one dies immediately. You have nothing to worry about for a long time.
I’ve got worries. After costs, I only make about $2,000 before LOVE kills another customer. I have to find new customers. I have to grow to pay investors. I need to serve billions. I have to keep people thinking about taste today, not their future. Sharing cans of LOVE keeps the world moving. Here, I’ll give you some cans. Drink some LOVE, chill, and stop worrying so much.”
I hate Coke because I realized that my love of Coca-Cola would kill me. I was being poisoned.
Here’s Coke Wrapping itself up in the Flag of the 37 caps of america
BTW - when I’ve traveled I saw Coke wrapping itself in the flag of every other nation I visited. Coke’s bad for the US of A - a fake flag can’t change that.
I loved America, sports, and Coca-Cola.
I was a Bubba – an obese rat reacting to a maze of marketing. My choices weren’t mine – they were reactions to malketeers manipulations. I’d been hacked. I was hitting soda levers, in stores, at restaurants and at home. I thought I was smart - finding ways to get soda cheaper - free refills or stocking up during sales. I was stupid, soda’s true costs are hidden - it harms health, fitness and energy. “Free” soda is too expensive.
I’d cut back on soda when I felt that I was drinking too much. I even quit a few times. I still wanted soda because I loved it. I’d eventually have one and then increase back to multiple sodas a day. I didn’t drink coffee or tea. Soda was my energy boost. Then I’d have an energy crash and want another soda.
My basic belief, at least the beliefs that I had been given from ads - soda’s sponsorship of sports, holidays, and the United States of America - was that soda was good. If athletes, sports teams, the Olympics, fireworks, polar bears, Santa, and the American Flag loved Coke - I did too. I was a Bubba, a dumb tool.
At 50 years old - I found myself unemployed, out of shape, and obese. The medical issues of being a “big guy” had been surfacing over the years – blood pressure above normal, bad blood test results, sleep apnea, exhaustion during exercise, and concerns about ED.
At 50.5, I got a physical and the diagnosis of fatty liver was added to the pile.
Fatty Liver - WTH?
I had learned to live with:
Not being able to breathe when I slept without a sleep apnea mandibular device (an expensive mouthpiece because I hated the CPAP.
Feeling like I might vomit when I worked out.
Not always being able to get an on-demand hard-on.
These didn’t get me to do research, change my beliefs, habits. It’s odd that a fatty liver did. I couldn’t see it. I couldn’t feel it. It was a mystery. I didn’t know much about the liver – filters the blood and is a favorite for alcohol memes. The fatty liver diagnosis was a mystery – how did I get it – how bad was it – could it kill me?
I didn’t want to die from liver disease, or anything else, anytime soon. I want to live a long time because I’m too old and ugly, to die young and pretty.
Research on fatty liver showed two primary causes – alcohol and fructose(soda) –I learned that teetotalers and children get Non-Alcoholic Fatty Liver Disease (NAFLD) from soda. Soda? Check. Alcohol? Check. I had been giving my liver a one-two combination for years. Soda most days and beer some nights.
learning about the liver
Fatty liver is highly correlated to obesity. Most overweight, obese people have liver damage. Most aren’t scanned for it, and they don’t know it. The liver is an amazing organ and we should think about liver health more than heart health.
The heart is a dramatic attention-grabbing pump. We can hear it, feel it, even see it move with the right devices. When the heart stops, the show’s over.
The liver is a quiet, complex, highly skilled chemical processing plant. It continues to work even as we make its job harder with poor food and bad beverages. As the liver is damaged, vital chemical production processes are maintained as long as possible. When liver damage is extensive the bodies downstream systems begin to fail - heart disease, kidney disease, and diabetes.
Coca-Cola causes liver disease and obesity – leading to other metabolic diseases – scientific studies show that all my issues – high triglycerides, high cholesterol, sleep apnea, poor fitness results, ED, and now fatty liver – are caused by soda.
I loved Coke - IT didn’t love me – Coke was killing me.
I calculated how much profit Coca-Cola made on getting a customer like me ill after years of consumption – it wasn’t’ much – only a few thousand dollars. To make billions in profit they poison hundreds of millions of people. What a bunch of jerks.
I don’t love people or things that lie to me, harm me, and are willing to trade my health for a few thousand dollars of profit.
Neither should you.
“LOok Poison water - being given to kids.”
I agree with Tom Brady and the scientists who study food and nutrition - soda is poison water. You should agree with Tom too, even if you’re a NJ Giants fan.
Poison Water
When I quit soda before, I failed because I still wanted it, still loved it. I was depriving myself of something I wanted. I’d see a machine and decide –
Do I want a soda?
If you ask that, if you have to decide not to have a soda each time you see a soda lever, you’re going to fail.
This time was different, soda was killing me. Soda is POISON WATER. For about two months, every time I saw soda, I looked at it and said to myself “poison water.” This changed my mind - it made my Bubba brain’s desire for sweetness irrelevant. It changed soda’s health dangers from far off and abstract to now.
I flipped my emotional soda switch from LOVE to HATE.
It’s easy to hate soda, and other Tasty-Cheap-Unhealthy foods, once you have the product research, and understand the companies and the people that run them. They are less respectable and honest than tobacco executives. They are your enemies who threaten the things that you love. Slimy soda execs don’t want you to think for yourself, they want you to be a Bubba. They want you to drink soda into an obesity caused oblivion.
You’re not going to do that – you’re going to fight back – friends don’t let friends drink soda.
Go Team,
Patrick “Patches” Foran
Team Descartes
We think, therefore we win.
patrick@teamdescartes.com